How to co-regulate without comforting unwanted behaviors

Let’s face it, kids have various emotions, like scared, nervous, and worried, and they deserve co-regulation.

What is co-regulation? It’s the feeling behind the words, it’s the empathy behind the correction, it’s the safe spot that’s nestled underneath your mother’s breast. It’s when the nervous system of one individual mirrors the nervous system of another. When I’m tense, you might find yourself clenching your teeth. If I’m feeling calm, you might sit back and relax further into your spot on the couch. Co-regulation is the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations through nurturing and reliable primary caregivers.

We all deserve co-regulation. Adults too. But how do you co-regulate in the middle of a full-blown tantrum without accidentally rewarding the unwanted behavior? Screaming, yelling, aggression, throwing, and crying are dysregulating to experience for a parent or individual working with a child with challenging behaviors. How can we stay calm amid a storm? Often, our instinctual responses kick in: fight, reacting aggressively by screaming back; flight, avoiding conflict by ignoring or walking away; freeze, becoming immobilized and unable to respond; or fawn, giving in to keep the peace or out of sheer exhaustion. Recognizing these automatic reactions can empower us to choose a more mindful and composed response instead.

So how do we co-regulate without comforting unwanted behavior? Here are a few strategies to try:

PAUSE and LISTEN: Get on your child’s level and make eye contact. Get close to their face and simply say, “I hear you.” Instead of using phrases like, “use a speaking voice,” or “show me a calm voice,” Model a calm voice. Maybe even whisper. Whisper a phrase like this, “I hear you. It looks like you're angry right now. I am here for you when you’re ready.” If your child is behaving aggressively towards you and others, you can whisper, “We see you. Your body looks like it needs some space and time. You can sit on the couch or go to a quiet space. We are here for you when your body is ready to return.” When they return, ask, “Would you like me to hold you or are you ready for some big hugs?”

MODEL breathing/stretching/taking a break: We are so programmed to prompt phrases like, “take a deep breath,” or “show me 3 deep breaths.” Instead, model deep breathing while making eye contact. When daddy is showing deep breathing during a tantrum, that might throw the child off, but eventually the goal is for the mirroring to kick in. If daddy is breathing right now, I can do it too. Instead of saying, “show me jumping jacks or let’s stretch,” model jumping jacks or stretching. You can whisper, “I’m going to stretch my body a little right now.” Then go into your best cat/cow pose and child pose. Your child might feel empowered to do the same when feeling off baseline. Lastly, don’t be afraid to model a break. Whisper, “Mommy is feeling a lot of different feelings right now. I’m going to take a little break with my pillows and blanket, and I’ll be back in a few minutes. If you would like some hugs and squeezes when I come back, let me know.” This will show your child that it is okay to take some space when dysregulating emotions arise, and you will return soon for hugs if they would like some.

RECOVER and REPAIR: Once the challenging behaviors have subsided and you have co-regulated together, it’s time to recover and repair. If possible, give your child your undivided time and attention (even as little as 5 minutes) to engage in their favorite activity or cuddle on the couch. During this time, you can address that you loved how your child decided to go to their calming tent when feeling overwhelmed or how you loved how they engaged in stretching to calm their body down. This recovery time is often missed and the opportunity to repair and reprogram our little ones’ neurons often gets overlooked. That short window of time after the storm is critical to catch so that when the next storm comes, we are better equipped to weather it.

While co-regulation is something we strive for, it takes practice and consistency. So before we throw in another self-regulation goal, let’s be more mindful and wonder, “maybe this child was never given the opportunity to learn how to co-regulate?” When a child experiences safety, connection, and attunement from a caregiver, they begin to build the internal tools needed to manage big emotions. Over time, those co-regulation moments lay the foundation for self-regulation to grow.